August 14, 2023
i've been really off recently, so i haven't updated here or done much on my site. i've been having crazy insomnia and lots of auditory and visual hallucinations, which is really intensely troubling. i've just felt zombified in general. i've been really depressed over various situations and in lots of pain
but some good stuff is going on too. i'm going to kalamazoo for a few nights with my mom, and i'm going to get to spend some time with my cousin who is like the only irl friend i have who is my age, and she's such a kind amazing person. i'm getting a hysterectomy next month, which i think is really going to help me, and might get to meet some friends irl later in the fall (i really hope that ends up happening because it would be so important to me).
i find it really important sometimes to just sit down and list all the good things in your life, no matter how small. like ok i have all of this and i have a cat who wakes me up every morning by sleeping on my shoulders and i have family who is there for me always and i have a dog who tries to steal my pizza off my plate and isn't all of this so beautiful? isn't life beautiful when you focus solely on life? it's easy to lose focus and it's easy to take things for granted but i never want to be that person.
i'm getting through these difficulties because i realized this: i'm young. hopefully, i have lots and lots of time left, the passage of time will heal all of my wounds and give me better days. i truly believe that!
July 21, 2023
i had covid for quite a while, which a) SUCKED as you can probably imagine and b) just made it so that i couldn't really get anything productive done, which also sucked, actually.
having covid did help make me realize i absolutely love tea, though. i drank a bunch of peppermint tea trying to soothe my lungs, and then i was like huh i love this leaf water actually. previously i hadn't been able to tolerate hot beverages for sensory reasons, so this was a major breakthrough actually. i ended up finding a website that makes custom tea blends you build and sends them to you, so i have a few teas on the way that i made my damn self, though i dont know shit about tea obviously, so hopefully they taste good lol.
anyway i'm feeling mostly better now and i'm testing negative. still not 100% by any means, but i was able to do some coding and writing which was really nice, and i'm seeing barbie either tomorrow or monday, which i'm really excited about. i'm kind of in a mixed episode of mania and depression at the same time, so i've just been feeling mentally garbage and covid didn't help. i'm happy i can finally go out and do things again!
July 09, 2023
ive been cooking a lot lately! i'm... probably a stress-cooker, in the way that it's what i do when i'm Really Stressed, but you know... there are worse coping mechanisms, haha.
yesterday i made.. i'm not really sure what to call it, but it was like a spicy thick stew with carrots and tomatoes that you'd dip crispy baked potato rounds in (sort of like pita but NOT REALLY, probably) it was REALLY GOOD!!!
today i made gluten free gnocchi with rose sauce, it sucks that i have a gluten intolerance, but learning to cook is really helping me feel better about it. the dish tasted amazing!! i think i'm gonna lose my appetite for "fast food", which i used to eat a lot, haha.
cooking DOES take a lot out of me, it soaks up energy like crazy, but there's a certain "high" you get when you pour love and effort into a dish and it turns out to be better than expected. and thank you, my wonderful giant wall of penzey spices, you are my savior.
July 05, 2023
i'm excited because this week i'm probably going to be ordering my new wheelchair :) the one i have now i bought at a local goodwill, and it barely works. so i'm gonna be spending my entire monthly income for july on getting an ultralightweight rigid wheelchair that i can use full-time which will help me out a lot! i'm really hopeful that with this i'll be able to do a lot more things than before, even if some places in my city (most places) aren't SUPER accessible. i've been really wanting to get to the zoo and i think i can go if i have this chair :)
i'm still mourning my mobility because it's barely there now, but it's okay, you know? this is the Way Things Are, and i adapt. i "Stay Silly", as they say. maybe with this chair i could do stuff like go to community college!!!
June 27, 2023
today was my birthday! i turned 22.. i was having some really weird thoughts about it for a while, because my birthday has always been kind of a weird day for me... for as long as i can remember. but! this year was amazing.
we were supposed to hold the celebration at a lake, but it rained and the air quality was bad, so we just chilled at home, which ended up being way better. i do miss the sand and the beach, but it's nice to be in a familiar environment where i can safely relax around other people, you know?
my cousin gave me some beautiful earrings she made, and i honestly cried a bit. that gift meant so much to me... and she's so talented with jewelry, just like she is talented at pretty much everything. i feel so blessed and lucky to have the family i have -- here, in michigan.
i always hated my birthday but now i don't think i'll ever hate it again. i hated the concept of turning one year older while still feeling like i'm stuck, frozen in time, only getting older physically and chronologically. (funny thing is i'm not even getting older physically, really--the woman i ordered my gluten free cake from thought it was my Sixteenth birthday. 16!!! i'm 22!)
and yeah, maybe it's true, maybe i don't have the typical life experience of a 22 year old, but yknow what i do have? an amazing family who loves me, amazing friends, an amazing boyfriend, amazing pets... love. it's all about love, not stereotypical definition of success, and maybe that sounds cheesy, but i really mean it.